Johnson's World: How To Alienate Friends and Make Enemies

Do you have too much business? Profits too high? Do wish you could spend more time by yourself, without those pesky customers bothering you so much?

It’s easier than ever to alienate friends and make new enemies while at the same time disgusting the general population. Just employ the power of social media.

In the old days you could eat a limburger and onion sandwich, but you still had to personally visit each friend or customer in order to belch in their presence, thereby revolting them and driving them away forever.

Now we have the 21st century equivalent of eating raw garlic, Facebook.

Facebook claims that between its flagship site (for old people) and its Instagram subsidiary (for young people) users spend an average of fifty minutes each day viewing, commenting, posting, and messaging.

What a glorious opportunity to increase sales for your business…maybe. Despite years of urging from gurus all over the internet, successfully increasing sales with social media has been an uphill struggle, especially for purveyors of humdrum products and services. That would be all of us who aren’t Starbucks or Apple.

I’m not here today to tell you what you are doing right or wrong when you use Facebook to promote your business. I’m here to tell you what you probably already know, deep down inside: those political posts that have nothing to do with your business are negating any marketing you are doing, and then some.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop! Stop posting your lunatic political opinions on social media.

What, you say? Your opinions are sane and rational, and it is the other guys who are nuts? Funny, the other guys just said the same about you.

Facebook presents unique opportunities for self-destruction. Those who agree with you will briefly grunt and nod, but you won’t see a particular benefit from it. If people like you personally or enjoy doing business with you, they already assume that you agree with them. Posting like-minded opinions generally won’t change their opinion of you.

Posts contrary to your acquaintances’ opinion, however, will have a strong effect. They will be shocked to learn that someone whom they liked and trusted could possibly be harboring such mistaken political beliefs. Shocked because, like you, they cannot reconcile contrary opinions with your charm, skill, style, and class. The fact that social media has very little class exacerbates the perception.

You aren’t presenting your case to them in a charming and classy manner. You are hitting them over the head with your opinions, and nobody likes to be hit over the head. At least when an enemy assaults you it is expected. Being hit over the head by a friend smacks of betrayal.

For maximum damage, repost a meme. Or just “like” one. Facebook’s timeline will dutifully report your indiscretion to the world, or at least to all of your friends. These sarcastic snippets of graphic snark that populate the internet are probably much nastier, more cutting, and certainly less thoughtful than your own opinions, but by associating yourself with them you are lowering yourself to their level.

Another way to insult the intelligence of your friends is to compare your least favorite presidential candidate to historic despots of the caliber of Hitler or Stalin. You’ll successfully warn your acquaintances about extremist opinions: yours! Such outlandish hyperbole virtually insures that no one will pay attention to your ideas in the future. I know that Johnson’s World readers are smarter than this.

Don’t start in on me about your civic duty or your right to free speech. Want to make a difference in politics? Volunteer to work for a candidate of your choice. Go door to door handing out literature. Contribute your money to a campaign. Serve as an election judge or a precinct captain. Better yet, run for office yourself.

I have no problem with your involvement in politics. I do have a real problem with the sort of slacktivism that is Facebook. No effort, no work, no thought, no results. That isn’t what our political system needs.

Lastly, don’t forget to vote. You have been blessed to live in a country with a secret ballot. Keep it a secret, okay?